Ever since I was a small child, I often had depersonalization experiences. Later, I understood that this was called depersonalization/de-realization disorder (I am still not sure if this relates to a brain tumor that I also suffered once).
All of a sudden, I feel completely disconnected from the outside world.
I do not feel reality, anxiety, fear, or sadness at all.
It is “nothingness.” The only thing I am aware of is an unresponsive and utterly unpleasant feeling of floating.
One day,I wandered off into a narrow path between a regular sidewalk and the Metropolitan Expressway. This place symbolically embodied my depersonalization to the greatest degree. Nobody. No sound. No sense of time. No future, no past, and no presence.
As I stood there for a while, I noticed my shadow projected by a streetlight, elongating over asphalt long into the future and past.
I am alive.
I am alive indeed. I have a life.
In the future, even if it is doubtful, I hope to live “a decent life.” That was all I could realize , surely and ironically.