Mail Order

where should I look for you when I’m uncertain if you exist.

the intensity doesn’t evaporate. raw emotional conduit. they have a history. documents that remain in the public domain. can you deny this? others accuse him of being delusional even when he showed them evidence of your existence. coffee keeps the mind intact. so many cups shared. and laughter.

where should I look? for you. when I’m uncertain. if you exist. where? should I look? for you when I’m uncertain. if you exist. i’m uncertain if you exist. when, where should I look for you? when you exist where should I look? where I’m uncertain, I exist for you.

Do you recognise yourself? he asked her.
I need a mirror. I think I need a reflective image on a silvered surface to ponder on.
She sat. Poured some beer into a glass. Suntory Rich Malt. She had bought a four pack and cigarettes from the 7/11.
I need to drink something. Wash the taste of you out of my mouth, she said lifting the can not to refill the glass but straight to her mouth.
You have a beautiful pouting mouth.
Anything else you want to add, she asked knowing he would say her nipples, Call them something poetic.
He hesitated, Cerise.
You’ve used that before on me and God knows how many others.

Read the words again. All because she lied. I can’t be cancelled out like this.

Read the words. Because she lied. I can’t be cancelled out.

The words. She lied. Can’t be cancelled out.

Words. Lied. Cancelled.

She’s the one who washes out the beer cans and puts them in the recycling. She puts on fresh panties; black, pink or beige. Is about to put her soiled panties in the wash. But changes her mind. Instead she puts them into an envelope and mails them to his wife.

Denial is exploration. Emptiness is appetite.

After trying to find a replacement wine glass she bought another set instead. Then proceeded to the lingerie department. Does she stick with her chosen colours or go for something different?

Silence is an exploration. Or a form of punishment.

But then he lost clarity. Take off your panties. He held them to his face as he unzipped his jeans. She opened her mouth and obliged. I love you in pink baby he told her as he sniffed deeply the panties enveloping his face. Then he felt himself ejaculating into her mouth. He withdrew and pressed the panties to her mouth. Squeezed her face. That’s right baby spit it all out. He wiped the cum from her lips. Dropped the panties on the floor. Let’s have a beer honey. Think of it as mouthwash.
The yellow Jiffy bag didn’t interest her. Generally mail didn’t interest her. She placed it on the table. Put on coffee. Put on some music. Showered. Sat on the balcony. Drank her coffee and opened the post.
From the yellow Jiffy bag she extracted a pair of panties. Unfamiliar. Definitely not a pair she would have ordered. She rummaged but there was no accompanying piece of paper. No exclamation. She smelt coffee. She smelt a love rat.
They dined. They watched TV. He made calls. She waited him out. Eventually he said he was going to bed. She followed him several minutes later. He was in bed doing something on his phone. She flossed and brushed her teeth. Returned to the bedroom. Undressed very much as usual. But then her moment came. She bent over. Instinct informed her. His eyes would be scanning her ass.
That’s an usual colour for you. Those new? Don’t know they suit you.
That’s what I thought too. Thought they looked good on the other woman.
Other woman?
The one in the catalogue.
Did you get them online?
They came mail order. Quite unexpectedly.

Now there is woe. Rain falling down not far to go. Until Thursday comes. Too long, too far. Did lies lead to delusion? How about another coffee sometime? We can scratch beneath the surface.

where should I look for you when I’m uncertain if you exist.

the intensity doesn’t evaporate. raw emotional conduit. they have a history. documents that remain in the public domain. can you deny this? others accuse him of being delusional even when he showed them evidence of your existence. coffee keeps the mind intact. so many cups shared. and laughter.

if you still exist where should I look?

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